When I talk with clients, there’s always a dance – where is this conversation most exciting for them? Where is my excitement? What is productive? Where are we going?

I notice the subtle ways in which my body opens up, or closes down, how certain topics create constriction in me or the other person. 

This type of awareness can itself be draining; rather than being fully relaxed in a conversation, I’m paying attention to too many different cues.

For a long time I was really exhausted by meetings. It wasn’t until I noticed that I had this dual process going on: I was speaking, while also trying to pay attention to how I was being seen while I was speaking.

This is surprisingly common – you notice that you’re both trying to pay attention while also worrying about how you’re seen. This is especially tough when you’re leading meetings and you feel like it’s getting out of your control. 

Now I can get into a pure awareness type quality where when I speak with others I simply direct my focus on them. There’s no more dual track, and when I speak I speak with my own energy going towards them. Dropping the need to “see” how I’m being seen. How do you do that? 

Years ago, I had a (temporary) podcast that was called No Agenda. The name came from a Tao like idea of having no view about where things need or should go. When you have less of an agenda for others, things can unfold naturally. 

Having an agenda for someone else, we feel them trying to push us in a particular direction, and most times when we feel pushed we push back and it creates resistance. 

No Agenda as a mindset is about creating less resistance in conversations. When you drop your agenda (needing to create an impact) you also drop the need to track your impact as much. Of course we all have some type of intention or agenda, but the more you’re in your own being as you speak, without it needing to make an impact, the less you care about the way you’re received.

Often the better you feel as you speak, the less you are paying attention to the crowd. 

See what it’s like to drop the agenda you have with others when speaking and feel the weight get lifted. 

One of my favorite questions is, “What is something you love to talk about but people rarely ask you about?”

It’s fun for you because everyone has areas and topics that you know way more than you other people. Even if that topic is how to fix an old Mustang or deep knowledge of a board game.

My first business partner and I worked together simply because I had enthusiasm that I think they could feel, and this turned into their enthusiasm, which allowed us both to partner together profitably. Creating mutual excitement is underrated as way to move partnership forward. 

On a deeper level, conversations are how we learn about who we are and learn about who others are. If you want to learn more about yourself, have more new types of conversations. 

Another hint here is that conversations are more fun when you feel like you’re entering new territory. As part of this, you want to ask questions that people have never been asked before. 

Some of the best questions sort of stop people’s brains from processing on autopilot. You can ask new questions or ask questions in weird ways. You can feel people trying to give you their stock answer and it’s fun to see if you can help them get into new territory. Some people won’t be open to that and will shut you down or simply pretend they don’t hear you.

Sometimes, when I talk with people about certain topics that they are unable to allow themselves to access (due to vulnerability, taboo, belief, etc) I ask them a question ,and they simply just act like they didn’t even hear what I said and keep talking. 

Here, I don’t push, I take it as a sign that they don’t want to talk about or are not ready to talk about it.

Conversations are much easier when someone is engaged, excited, and almost can’t help themselves from telling you more. 

People are incredible at picking up authenticity, so you can only do this type of work if you have genuine curiosity. Even a question like I listed above becomes stale when used as a stand-in question. It needs to be alive in you to be alive in the other person and needs to happen spontaneously. 

Where do you get the most joy when having conversations? Where are you stuck or held back?