A big theme of mine this year is exploring connection – how we connect with others, how we open up to connection, and what forms of communication lead to connection.

I became more seriously interested in this area of my life after spending a week in Costa Rica with a group of people with the highest quality communication skills of anyone I’ve ever spent time with. It led me to not only learn rapidly but also experience more depth and duration of connection that I typically feel day to day. 

As part of this exploration, I’ve been in Art of Accomplishment Connection course with my wife. 

What people really want to experience in community, with friends, and with family is depth of connection. But the number of walls we have up are numerous, and we often seek connection all of these strange ways that are indirect. 

People sometimes show their care through safety, fear for others, or they create connection through gossip or shared anger/struggle. 

Instead of connecting, you use fear as a stand-in for vulnerability, and you unconsciously feel “If I worry about you, that’s me caring about you.”

This isn’t necessarily bad, but rather that it leaves you less satisfied than having a full connection experience with someone else. Often your pseudo-connection pushes others away, rather than connecting which was the point in the first place.

Another common stand-in to connection is allowing others to have attention but not receiving it yourself. I’m guilty of this one. 

When you’re afraid of connection, you feel more comfortable putting attention and caring for others instead of allowing others to care for you. It’s like the spotlight is better on anyone else but you.

Here…it feels good to give but not to receive. Connection doesn’t fully happen in this experience because two people need to be both open to giving and receiving, and you’re shut down and playing the part of connection rather than truly participating. 

What surprises me most about these experiences or courses is how much connection is not in the actions you take or don’t take, it’s an experience, a quality of attention that you feel. You might have experiences at holidays or after a long weekend with friends or a long dinner? Or maybe you get this experience at Church or with a local community group you volunteer with? You can attend those same events and have little connection.

Connection itself is satisfying, significantly more satisfying than many other things we spend our time doing, possibly even more than praise at work or accolades. 

When you truly get deep, prolonged connection time with others it feels like having a glass of water after being very thirsty. You’re nourished, recharged.

In this way I think connection can be addicting, but it’s a good addiction, one that is fun to experience and play in the nuances with. 

Connection is something we can have more or less of every day depending on how we choose to relate to ourselves or others. That’s the big lesson.

It takes openness with yourself, and some skill re-building for you to find and create more connection in your life. 

It’s worth it.